Traveling alone for "sacred and unfettered access to reading"

An interview with By Herself Travel on reading mindset and lifestyle

When By Herself Travel tagged me in a post on Instagram, I instantly said to myself "oh, I'm looking at this account." The photo was mostly text, describing a trip to Portland, Maine, with hotel, restaurant, activity, and reading recommendations. I clicked through to her account, expecting to see how someone reads on vacation. To me, her account offered even more.

The account is run by an anonymous woman: the Her behind By Herself Travel is a working professional, a mom of two, and a wife. She travels alone and, while she's away from many of life's obligations, she eats out, explores, sleeps in, and reads voraciously. Something about the account felt like an invitation to do the same. Following her and seeing the occasional post on my feed has been a pleasant reminder of that initial feeling of permission.

Knowing I had a trip of my own in store and selfishly wanting to pick her brain, I reached out to see if she'd let me interview her for Present Tense, and when she responded, there was a twist: I knew her in real life. But I take secrets deadly seriously, I'm keeping my trap shut. If you're curious, you should probably just follow her account and try to piece it together for yourself.

Caitlin: I was so into your account from minute one. This idea that you're married with kids but love to take time, even a weekend, to run off to a new place, spread out in an empty bed, binge read something great, eat out, and generally take time to yourself...what's not to love? Looking at your account made me feel like you were giving me permission to do that myself. 

Have you always been a reader and a traveler? When did you first travel alone? 

By Herself Travel: Growing up I was an only child and I spent a LOT of time reading novels. The habit has stuck with me ever since. About 10 years ago I became a parent and also started a job that required occasional travel. I grew to look forward to, and even depend on, sporadic short getaways to attend work meetings and conferences. The experience of early motherhood was so consuming that these breaks served as an important pressure valve and a time to remember who I was, outside of being a mom. When the pandemic hit, most of my work travel stopped. When it became safe to do so again, I worked to create opportunities to take brief trips alone—apart from work. 

Has reading always been a big part of how you enjoy seeing new places and getting away? 

Yes! I can't imagine a good vacation without books. Again, it's that escape element. Reading fiction offers a travel element in and of itself because I find it so transporting. 

As I mentioned to you, my family is going on a vacation soon and I'm really looking forward to some R&R. Wait, there is definitely something there you should do with your account...a play on rest and relaxation, but one of the Rs is "reading." R&R&R, maybe. The ole Triple R.

Triple R! I think that says it all. Maybe we trademark it?¹ 

So the question I have most wanted to ask you is: how do you choose what to read on vacation? Oh! And have you ever picked a location based on a book you'd read or wanted to read there? 

Like a lot of readers, I keep a running list of books I want to read. When a friend recommends a novel, when I read a good book review, when something catches my eye in a bookstore, I jot it down in the notes section of my phone and add a little annotation. The best part of preparing for a getaway is picking reading material! I usually review my (lengthy) list to see if anything feels like a fit with a particular trip. I typically bring more books than I can actually read because having choice is so important. And as much as I am committed to supporting independent booksellers, I travel with a Kindle. This allows me to download a varied selection of books for a vacation without all the weight. It's like having a small personal library with me wherever I go, which I love. 

Sometimes I gravitate toward novels that are set in the location I'm traveling to, but not always. Author and plot are paramount to me. When I review my list of to-read books, it's just a matter of what resonates. Often I'll bypass a book on my list, only to give it a try a few months later and find myself completely absorbed. So reading, I think, is very much about timing. There's a dynamic between the moment the reader is in, and the reading material, that needs to align.   

I don't think I've ever picked a travel destination based solely on a book, but novels have certainly informed my understanding of locations and my desire to travel to certain parts of the world. Also, when I really fall in love with a place, I'll seek out books set in that location just to try to feel like I'm still there after a great trip. 

Looking at your instagram, I'd say you read broadly, with a tendency to choose upmarket stories, but plenty of suspense and drama in there. Do you agree with that? (Do you know what upmarket means? Because I don't, but it is my favorite genre word. Let's go with commercial books that skew a bit literary. Book club!)

Yes! Sounds spot on. Mostly, I gravitate toward family drama and suspense written by women. And I have a habit of abandoning books that don't capture me by the end of the first chapter.² At this moment in my life, I read books almost entirely for enjoyment. I spent a good number of years (English major, law student, etc.) reading and analyzing what someone else decided to assign to me. Now, I take pleasure in getting to read exactly what I want. Up market books! 

When it comes to going on vacation to take time to yourself, how are you impacted by reading something tense and/or emotionally taxing?

That's such an important consideration. You have to know yourself as a reader and what will absorb you on vacation but not ruin you. I love reading thrillers when I travel alone but I also know to steer clear of stories that involve child victimization, for example. Because of the work I do in the trauma field, and because I have young children, those stories cut too deeply for a vacation. At the same time, a solo trip allows me sacred and unfettered access to reading so I tend to want books that are at least a little meaty and dark. Beach reads and romance never do it for me.

Besides thinking about reading material, is there anything you do before you leave for a trip to prepare for maximum Triple R? 

Prepping to maximize Triple R is most important. Unfortunately, it's hard to wing Triple R. I like to research the location I'm going to and make a Triple R game plan. I plan a few low-key activities (spa if possible), decide what I'll do for exercise, request a late checkout in advance, and maybe most importantly -  figure out whether I need to bring my own coffee. (One of my favorite reading times is first thing in the AM, in bed, with a cup of coffee in hand—so the coffee has to be good). I also scope out the restaurant scene and try to anticipate where it might be most comfortable to dine alone.

As a parent, I can't fully enjoy Triple R unless I know things are relatively under control at home and that my absence is not putting an undue burden on my partner. So timing is key and also not leaving for too long. Most important is the consent and support of your partner/co-parent, who should be able to be honest with you about what works and what doesn't. And it's always extra helpful if extended family or friends can be on hand for back up support when you're gone. 

While you're away, is there a balance you try to strike between reading and the other things you like to do while you're traveling? 

The best thing about traveling solo is that you don't have to strike any balance! That's the beauty of a trip alone. RRR means shedding expectations and turning inward to decide what sounds good in the moment.

I saw you recently went on a family vacation. When I first saw the post, I saw your instagram handle, and then I saw it was a Disney Fantasy cruise, and I was like, okay, would not have been my first choice for solo travel, but you do you. It was only when I started in on the caption that I saw it was a family vacation, and I cracked up at how quickly I'd accepted that you'd left your husband and kids behind to go on a Disney cruise alone!

Ha! I think my kids would disown me. Actually I just listened to a travel podcast episode where a woman spoke about taking a cruise by herself (not Disney). She works in the navigation field and noted that she chose the specific cruise ship because it had a female captain (rare in the industry). She talked about dining by herself for a whole week, reading, and how she slept outside on her private balcony one night. It did sound kind of great now that I think about it! 

How did you carve out alone time on a family vacation with your kids? I mean this both in terms of time/schedule but also mentally. 

If time alone is important to you in the context of family travel, communication with your co-parent is key. Talking as far in advance as possible about your aspirations and the childcare logistics of blocking out solo time is key. Part of this conversation also needs to be an inquiry into what your partner or co-traveler would like for themselves in order to have a satisfying travel experience. Figuring out how best to meet everyone's needs is a bit of a jigsaw puzzle but the payoff is worth the strategizing. Honestly, one of the reasons why my husband and I chose a Disney Cruise for our last family vacation was the option of (fun!) on-board childcare/kids programming that is available all day, as-needed. It was a very helpful piece of the vacation puzzle that allowed us to spend some time alone, and together, without kids. 

What would you say to someone reading this who feels guilt or worry about leaving their kids or even just their adult travel partner to take some alone time?

First, there's no prize for being the perfect mother. Feeling guilty about spending time away from your children implies that it's detrimental to the people we love. So the first step is to reframe solo travel from a selfish act to one that offers a benefit, not only to us as solo travelers, but also to our spouses and kids. Especially for introverts like myself, time alone is the single most powerful and efficient way to restore energy. This time allows me to be a more capable partner and caregiver. Everybody wins. Prioritizing occasional time for yourself gives everyone in the family permission to do the same for themselves—so there is an element of example setting as well.

Also I think it's really important to acknowledge that Triple R via solo travel, like we're discussing here, requires resources that most women do not have. And the many mothers who lack the support, time, and money to engage in this kind of escape are the very ones who deserve a break the most. So while I don't think "by herself" travel is necessarily an indulgence, it is certainly a privilege. And it's an experience I'd love to see more women be able to have without barriers. 

When you come home from time away to yourself, how do you feel? Are there any parallels between finishing a great vacation and finishing a great book?

When I come home, I feel more myself—more centered and rested. And always, always so excited to be reunited with my family!

Oh my goodness—yes—there are parallels between travel and books. Maybe that's why I love them so much. A good book, like a worthwhile trip, reveals something new about the outside world while also reconnecting me to myself. Both have the power to shape and sharpen perspective in numerous ways. And the best trips and books stick with me long after they end. 

Hoo boy did I love Her answers. I completely agree that reading is all about timing. On two different days, the same book might just hit different, as the kids say. Speaking of timing, I’m on a family trip with a pile of books that aren’t gonna read themselves, so I’m off. For more of this amazing energy, you can follow By Herself Travel here!

1. You are hereby on notice that Triple R is the shared trademark of By Herself Travel and Present Tense, and we are litigious. (This is a joke but also a tiny clue for those trying to figure out who the mysterious Her is behind BHT. Not that a “shared trademark” is a thing, probably, I don’t know, I actually know shockingly little about all things legal.)

2. May we all be more like this and just move on from a book we don’t love. Amen.