Things you can say when people ask when your book is coming out

when you don't know (or like) the answer

Picture it: you’ve told people you’re writing a novel, or that you’ve gotten an agent, or a book deal, or you’ve already published one book and people are expecting another, or some other book-related situation that has people frequently asking you for status updates, and picture also that you don’t have a status update.

Maybe your answer is complicated. The contract isn’t signed. Your edits weren’t accepted. People outside the book world don’t expect complicated or private. They don’t know that publishing moves at a snail’s pace and is intrinsically weird and unpredictable. So they ask, cheerily and as if you cannot get enough of this question. You give them your best answer, long-winded or vague as it is. And here comes someone else, and oh god, they’re going to ask, too! You start to feel like you’re answering the same question all the time, and instead of feeling grateful that people care, you’re feeling strung out that your answer’s never changing.

Sound like a horror movie? Fear not, for I have lived this waking nightmare, and I have come up with a list of answers that will satisfy family, friends, and arch nemeses alike!

When they say: “when’s your book coming out?”

You can say:

1. Ask my therapist!

2. It’s already out—have you not read it?

3. That is between me and my diary.

   (And if they know that’s an Office quote, they have earned a real answer.)

4. When’s YOUR next book coming out?

5. (Say nothing, just do this face.)

   

6. All work and no play has made Mama a Dull Boy. (And then throw your head back, laugh, and let it turn into a scream.)

7. Here, sign this NDA. You’ve got four hours, right?

8. I fear you cannot handle the truth, my pet. (Tickle them under the chin while you say this.)

9. (Cheerily) Any day now, I’m working on it all the time! (Whispering) They’re listening.

10. Well it’s weird because I’m under contract but I don’t have a deadline anymore because I blew past the first one and we decided it was all good and I didn’t need a new one but now I’m just in limbo where nothing I’ve written has been good enough and then I finally did write something that seems like it’s going to work but I had a SECOND baby and now I’m back at work and it turns out the book really isn’t editing itself so

    (at this point the person has backed out of my office) 

I swear this is all in good fun. If you’re reading this and you know me in real life and have asked recently, relax, I promise I appreciate you for caring. And I have already stabbed my voodoo doll of you. (More jokes!) 

And if you have a writer friend who might be in the same boat and now you’re wondering what on earth you’re supposed to do, please know that I’m kidding. Your friend might not want to answer the question on the day you happen to ask, but asking still shows them that you care, and they’re lucky to have you.

And now that I’ve acknowledged that, please share other crazy, vengeful, aggressive things that can go on my list.

Please forgive the silly post. I have a meatier piece (lol) in the works but Baby Goop is sleep regressing so that’s probably all I need to say.